Today I can reflect back and appreciate how I am no longer in despair. There was so long there when I could not see the path in front of me, when hurt was a part of my daily life and I just ached so much of the time. My life had collapsed, I had lost so much that was precious to me and I felt, above all unloved, unsupported and unseen.
As I look back on the journey I can see that the part that was missing above all was self love and self acceptance.
In those moments I was the most harsh on myself. I made up stories about my lack of worth, my limited capacity, my failure and I saw what was happening around me as proof of all of that. The feeling was that somehow I was being punished. I had no idea what for or why, but there was this feeling that I was bad and finally the universe realised it and here was the proof I had been waiting for.
The feeling is still with me now – accessible in the caverns where old pain still lies. What I needed to know in those moments was that I was amazing, beautiful, worthy. That this time of struggle and challenge was not a sign I was inherently bad but rather that I needed to love myself, show myself the deepest compassion, the kind that I would give the most precious people in my life … and to trust the journey.
At the core was my distrust for life.
I didn’t feel safe in life and I didn’t trust myself. It was like years of limiting beliefs and hurts all accumulated into that period of my life and I felt…well brutalised. It felt traumatic and again it affirmed my deepest fears. That I was incapable, unworthy and bad.
Now I can look back on that time with deep compassion. I didn’t know I would come through it but I did. Am I still tentative in my trust of life and myself…absolutely. Can I see now that I was worthy of love and compassion, supported by the divine and that none of the things that happened meant I was bad or less than whole and magnificent? Yes I can!
It is so hard to see the truth when we are consumed by despair, so let me remind you.
You are magnificent! You will get through this….and soon.
What you need right now is extreme self care, the greatest of self love and to let in the light of your infinite nature.
